Take Two

By week 2 in my CPE internship last summer, I had already fainted twice (once in the trauma bay due to a patient with severe burns and once in my health screening after they drew blood), cried several times (a couple of them were in the bathroom stall so no one would know), and felt my entire body was anxious.  Those who know me well may know that I don't like to show vulnerability at the beginning of any new journey.  I think part of that comes from an upbringing of leadership in our lives - it was rare that we were the "newbie" at something church-related.  The other part is that I sometimes hate new environments, first impressions and the process of beginning to establish new relationships.  It's NOT that I hate the people I meet or the places I am, I just hate going through the first impressions situation.  Anyways, in an attempt to not show that weakness at the beginning of last summer, I remember feeling like I had to fake a level of confidence in the hospital.  It was ok that I was in a peer group of all men.  It was ok that I had to deal with blood, burns, bed pans and beepers.  It was ok that I had to walk into the room of a deceased patient to have the family sign a release of body form and be given information about grieving.  I suppose I didn't feel comfortable enough showing my fear, my anxiety, and my nervousness in being at a hospital.  I am sure, however, that everyone around could feel it.  For friends and family who weren't working at the hospital with me, it was almost guaranteed that they would receive a phone call after work in order for me to debrief the kinds of things I was witnessing at the hospital.


This time is different.  I have felt an overwhelming sense of calm through my first week and a half.  I have not felt faint.  I have not cried for fear of the unknown.  I have not even called my family or my friends about my experience so far.  Honestly, it's because I feel like I don't have anything to debrief or work through.  I have not portrayed myself as feeling overly confident, but instead as a humble servant who felt an unexpected call into the world of hospital chaplaincy after being certain that I would never end up there.  I have done one trauma; no deaths yet.  I wonder where this calmness will bring me.  I wonder how I will deal with the anxiety when certain situations arise.


I must say, one thing that has kept me calm is knowing that this is not a job...this is a calling.  This is not an internship...I was ordained into this.  And I don't go it alone.  When I place a hand on a patient during prayer, I remember that hands were placed on me during my ordination service.  When I know my body is dehydrated and my head is spinning from the blinding hospital lights, I remember the Charge from my session liaison to be sure to take time for myself.  When I stand alone in a patient's room or in the trauma bay, I can remember that I do not stand alone, for I go with a great cloud of witnesses.  And I do not bring the presence of God to the patients; rather, I meet God's presence that is already in the room and I go with God.